We're Disposable Teens.

So I'm on my second reading of Tithe by Holly Black. That woman has caused me to want to write original fiction again, which is kind of hysterical, since I never thought I'd be able to again because my mind was cluttered with fan fiction.

But then... who's to say I can't write original fiction that's inspired by those who are usually in my FAN fiction?

So... this was born. I dunno, I may go the fan fiction route with it, I may not. I just want to see what you guys think.

NOW.
PLEASE.
DO IT.
DOOOO IIIIIIIT.

So I walked to town today with my mom and sister.
This is no small feat. You should see the fucking HILL, okay?

Anyway, there's some cool stuff where I now live.
They have a magic shop, okay?
It looks pretty fun in there.
I may try applying for a job, to be honest.

There's also a really cool used bookstore, where I also may try getting a job.
The guy who owns it is getting older and doesn't want to keep it up anymore, but maybe with some help he'll change his mind?

I bought a couple Nancy Drew books and a book on fortune telling.
(The occult books section is severely lacking, you see.)

There's an incredible Chinese restaurant too.
I mean, INCREDIBLE.
Best I've ever had.

I'm seriously not staying on long tonight.

Bed. I want it.

For changing my life.
For making memories.
For making me feel beautiful for once in my life.
For making me laugh.

For, you know, everything.
Good times.
Let's do it again sometime.

http://www.buzznet.com/musicnews/links/567171/?t=privmsgticker&R=617923467&N_C=1

This is a bad idea.
Bad. Bad bad bad.

Because, Mikey...
You need to do something that can't be traced to your brother in any way.

Because I'm sick of you being in his shadow.

DWEEB RAP RECORD FROM MIKEY WAY.
I DEMAND IT.
NAO.

There is some truth in the "If you can't take it, don't dish it" argument.

Okay, a lot of truth.

And obviously, I suck at that whole concept.

So I pretty much deserve the angry blogs and the reports to the mods (oh, I know you've done it) and the general hatred that I've managed to accumulate.

I dunno if I'm sorry for all that I've said in the last two or so years, but I'm sorry it's pissed people off so bad.
...depending on the people.
I do like to ruffle SOME feathers.

But yeah. Uh.

This was my admitting that I am hardly above anyone.
(Did I ever really say I was?)

Since I finally *FINALLY* finished my school work for the day, I'm going to do this now. If you don't get at LEAST one of these, you need to listen to MOAR MUZIKZ.

Step 1: Open up whatever MP3 program you use and add every song in your collection.

Step 2: Put it on random.

Step 3: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 4: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Step 5: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Step 6: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

 

1: She has come from the shadows of the dream world

2: Oh baby, here comes the sound

3: Red eyes, just keep my heart beating, your secret's safe with me

4: Hold me now, I need to feel relief, like I never wanted anything

5: Just one look into your eyes, one look, and I'm crying, 'cause you're so beautiful

6: All that I'm living for, all that I'm dying for, all that I can't ignore alone at night (Bre guessed it via AIM)

7: Don't waste it, it's only here for today (Bre again. We silly South of Nowhere fans...)

8: Fold your dollar bills and leave your thrills all here with me

9: I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive

10:  He calls the mansion not a house but a tomb

11: Last night I saw that beauty queen, watched her paint her face on

12: The moon is shining bright, the moon is feeling light(?)

13: I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

14: A hundred days have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face

15: Is it worth it? Can you even hear me?

16: She is smiling like heaven's down on earth

17: Play that record backwards, here's a message for the suckers

18: Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again

19: It's down to this, I've got to make this life make sense

20: How can I pretend that I don't see what you hide so carelessly?

YOU DID IT.
HOWWW?!

XD

Some of you know this, some of you do not
I don't know why anyone would care, but... *sigh*

You know how I'm supposed to be a freshman in high school?
I'm not even close.
In fact, I'm really far from there, in some subjects.

I take fourth to fifth grade math courses.
Sixth, seventh and MAYBE eighth grade courses in the rest.

Why?

Because Catholic education, most of the time, sucks.
Or at least, the schools I went to were that way.
They're really far behind state standards, evidently.

It makes me feel really stupid, you know?
I have to take classes that my sister would in math.
And I still don't get it half the time.

And I never knew English was so fucking hard.
Ha, there I was thinking I'd get bumped up a few grades because I was *so good at it*.
Please.

And science.
URGH don't get me started.
We were taught Creationism in Catholic school, so now all this evolution of species stuff is like greek to me, when, to anyone else, it would make PERFECT sense!

So there you go.
That's my big secret.
I'm actually a complete dunce when it comes to school.

Unfortunately I have to do school, because common sense isn't enough in the world.
For that, I call bullshit.
If you have basic skills, the rest of this is just to keep you fucking busy.

I want to fix everything.
I want to turn back time so I wasn't such a selfish bitch.
I want to change my attitude so that everytime someone says something, I don't immediately take offense.
I want to be able to see the wisdom behind the bullshit.

I want to make everything less awkward.
I want to take back the months we probably should have spent being friends.
I want to stop stressing over this already.

FUCK.

Did it make me happy or miserable?

I seem to be approaching it with indifference.

I hate my feelings sometimes.

We all know what todaaaaaaay iiiiiiis.

HAPPY FUCKING ANNIVERSARY, GERARD AND LINDSEY.

One year.
ARGH. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

Where'd the time go, exactly?

*weepy* Mah little cookie monsters... AWWWhsdyf dukysvbfhyrneshdchfjkd.

GHDggasjkdgsasj.

Go. JUST GO.
Have a nice dinner at Red Lobster.
Even though you're going to get funny looks all night now.

Then go... do stuff.
AHEEEEEEM.

*happy squee*

I'm happy when others are happy.
Usually. >.>

I've been seeing things out of the corner of my eye for DAYS.
Before we properly moved in, a pair of my sister's drumsticks were moved from where they'd been left, and I saw a lady in black walk through our kitchen.

Now I'm finding closets and cupboards open everywhere.

Uh, HELLO.

Ha, not to mention my cat following seemingly "nothing" around the house, meowing at it all the time...

Up until today, this blog felt innapropriate to write. Past blogs and feelings conflicted with the relationship I was in, and if I wrote this blog before I ended that relationship, it would have looked worse to my then girlfriend than it needed to.

Does this have anything to do with that relationship? No. Not at all. What it does have to do with is the future, what I see for myself in ten years, what I need, who I need, what love actually means to me.

Love, to me, is unconditional. It does not know gender, it does not know skin color, it does not know age, it does not know income, it does not know someone's past, present, or future. It just exists, whether you want it to or not.

If you've been following my blogs over the last few years, you know that I have struggled constantly with my sexuality. I'd spend so much time without male contact, deciding that I was a lesbian, only to find myself around guys again and having strange feelings and having no fucking idea anymore.

I became what I hated. A person who couldn't make up their mind. While my mind may go beyond my years, my body and its hormones do not, and this makes for a bad combination. I want to be sure of everything, but it's not possible until everything regulates and stops being annoying.

But maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just the fact that love exists. Just as my religion is becoming a part of me, something I am making my own, so should my sexual orientation. Sexuality is fluid, just like Paganism. It is what you make it, what you create from it. I could like only guys, confine myself to this, and remain in that mindset forever. I could like only girls and do the same. Or, I could just not worry, not label the way I feel, and let go.

Labels, I've realized, only complicate things for me. Complicating things is stupid. Pinning "GAY" or "BI" or "STRAIGHT" to myself would be like having to walk to the grocery store in the rain and taking the long way. Why not just love everyone, regardless of who they are or what exactly they have underneath their clothes?

The reason this turned into such a turmoil for me is simple. Guys started noticing me, when they never fucking did before. I used to be one of the guys. Someone to roughhouse with, someone to split the large order of nachos with when you realized that "large" meant "bigger than the table at which you happen to be sitting", someone to break out your newest Lord of the Rings video game and completely nerd out with. But never, EVER someone to flirt with or ask out. How ABSURD!

But it changed. It all changed. And, here's the part I was wishing I wouldn't have to get into, because I've been here and analyzed it before, and I still get some butterflies. It changed with Ryan.

Ryan fucking Bachman. I met him at my cousin Alex's graduation party at the beginning of the summer in 2007. He was funny as hell, and really nice. We didn't talk much, but he was nice when we did talk. Had nice hair, too. And he wore purple stuff. Win.

A day later, I got roped into going to the youth group Alex goes to. I was in a shit mood, let me tell you. I was in a HUGE Christianity hating stage. HUGE. But I went anyway, and goddammit, it was FUN. I had a nice time, and decided to keep going.

That's when some things became a bit obvious. Ryan is a hugger anyway, but it sometimes felt like he did it more with me than with anyone else. He put up with my failure at communicative skills and talked to me all the time. And if I even start going into moments at shows and in parking lots, I may just have to stop typing because I'll burst into tears or something...

Anyway, the point is, I liked the guy, and he liked me too, I think. And that was fucking strange. I'd spent years being the ugly girl, the girl no guys wanted to even APPROACH unless it was for help with old school Pokemon games (WE BE TALKIN' GAMEBOY COLOR SHIT. DREW AND I COULD HAVE PWNED YOUR ASSES.) or homework. And now, all of the sudden, I was this pretty girl with a severely damaged ego that guys were suddenly willing to take in and fix. WTF?!

Well... I think we all know where the Ryan shit went. And it kills me inside to this day, especially since he no longer acknowledges my existence or anything. Guess that's what happens when someone's faith hinders their GOD-GIVEN feelings. I do still love him, no matter what the barriers may now be, and if he ever came to me to repair the damage, I'd welcome him with open arms. I'll keep hope.

By the by, he wasn't the only guy who treated me like a princess either. Haven't talked much about Ray (not Toro, sorry), have I? Ray is a newer friend of mine, one who, thankfully, did not turn tail and run when he heard about my many stances against the norm in society. When we met, he was in a relationship (if you really want to call it that), but he went off flirting with me anyway. He and asked me out, THEN broke up with his girlfriend immediately after. Okay, off the subject here, but I hate when people can't be alone for TWO SECONDS. That's so unnatractive. A few months is good after a breakup. NOT A FEW HOURS. *seethes*

There's more to that story, but that's not what's helping my basic point here. WHICH, IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, is that lots of shit has changed, and I've realized that, fuck, I'm attractive. People like me. They like me for me, the good and the bad, acne, weird laugh, tiny pinky fingers and all. And it's not all girls, which is the SUPER IMPORTANT part, since we ladies are all susceptible to being a little lesbian-like with each other after a while. ADMIT IT, YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT BEST FEMALE FRIEND X THAT WAY AT LEAST ONCE. ONCE.

ANYWAY. This whole fucking thing has led to much facepalming and crying and nailbiting. Even more contemplating, heart-breaking, and put-offing. All because once upon who knows how goddamn long ago, I said, "Kitiara, you're a lesbian." And my sexuality, which took its goodass time, turned around and said, "Fuck you. Tell me what I am again and I'll pop a cap in yo' ass." Okay. Understood. O_O

There is a label for what I am, but it is not confining. The word is pansexual, and you're looking it up yourself, lazy ass.

I love who I love, no matter what the circumstances. And that gives me a better understanding of myself than I ever had.

...My Chemical Romance and Schoolyard Heroes would do a collaboration on MCR's next record.

MCR's old sound and SH's sound are so similar, it'd be perfect.

Ryann and Gerard singing together. YESPLZ.

One day I'll learn.

No matter how comfortable I am as a Pagan, I unfortunately always have that little Christian voice in the back of my head, telling me that I'm doing evil and I'm going to hell. While I know this isn't true, it's what was drilled into my head for over ten years. I can say it's BS all I want, but even though I say I don't believe it, my subconscious has picked up so much of it and filed it away in the "O RLY NAO?!" category in the chaotic office building that is my brain. Probably for this very purpose, to make me completely INSANE wondering what exactly is going to happen when I die.

I mean, if I do die and the find myself in front of Jesus, I'll be like, "Erm... you could have been more clear for everyone, mister." After all, half the reason I LEFT Christianity is the fact that Jesus's followers misinterpret every-fucking-thing and make themselves look terrible in the process, and I totally don't want to be part of that. Actually, in Margaret Cho's words, I want Jesus to come back and say, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!".

Not only all that, but have you ever noticed how unhappy some Christians are? They always need something to hate. (LAWLZ, Marilyn Manson just came on my playlist. Appropriate, y/n?) Whether it's a certain musician or group of musicians, an actor/actress, the gay community, liberals in general, pro-choicers, or anyone who generally disagrees with them, they have to be angry! Of course, they say the same thing about Pagans, but mostly with a "poor us" attitude, saying we only get mad at THEM. But this wouldn't be so if they didn't already hate everything that isn't Jesus and bread from heaven!

But my point is, maybe they'd be happier if they belonged to another religion? I have family members who are Christians who are the grumpiest, meanest people alive, and I often wonder if they'd been born into families with open minds when it came to religions, if they might be at peace with a branch of Paganism, or maybe Buddhism or Hinduism. But they, much like me, were basically brainwashed into thinking that Christianity is the only way. I wish it could have been different, for them and me.

Every once and a while, I'll be reading something on Witchvox, or I'll be saying a prayer to the Goddess, and I'll get this little pang of guilt. The Pentacostal Christians I used to hang out with would say that this is God telling me something isn't right, and at times, I'm inclined to agree, to drop everything and go back to Christ because it's "safe". But, safe according to what? The Bible? Honestly, the Bible was written (and revised and mistranslated -- REPEATEDLY) by man. Man fucks up. And actually, so does the Christian God. Didn't He wipe out the entire population except for all the animals, Noah, and his family with a great flood because all His people were so sinful? WOOPS, Y/N?

So then, even if the writers of the Bible WERE being used by God, who's to say God didn't make a few more boo boos?

Argh. I'm rambling. Worse than that, I'm CONFUSED and rambling. We will now all die.

I just wish there was some sort of almighty SIGN that I'm on the right track. Like a great big fucking neon green sign saying, "RIGHT ON, KITIARA!". That'd be badass and much appreciated. I wish I'd never had a Christian bias growing up. I wish my heart could be free.

/deepness.

I'mma go write fan fiction now. Thanks for reading, if you did.

Maybe prayers save you
But they never did me
Maybe your God embraced you
But He left me on my own
Maybe you're normal
But I wasn't meant to be
Maybe you really cared
But I can't be cared for
Maybe you've forgotten
But I never will
Maybe you remember
But I may always regret.

Crazy ass movie.

Pity Nancy went bonkers. I liked her.

XD

All I did was ask her to keep a hold on the dogs while I brought some boxes into the house,

She turned it into a complete battle.

The fuck?

Chirstian Guitar Hero?

Guitar Praise?

http://www.buzznet.com/musicnews/journals/entry/2930371/?t=privmsgticker

Fine then.
I demand a Pagan Guitar Hero.
Hekate Hero, anyone?